When Marriage Peace is Broken

Oh, where to begin?  I have less than an hour to tap out these thoughts and so many to nail down.... ah, how about the beginning?!

Actually, that isn't so easy either since the "beginning" is sorta muddled up in all that has been flying about the place here.  So let us just grab....

Summer offered a reprieve.

If you have been following me here or in the newsletter on on Instagram, you know what a bang-up year at has been... one of those trial by fire kinds! 

The chaos of home gave way to health and relational issues this summer.  But at least my repair budget had a rest.
Health of some family members, one of which called for me to take my first long-distance solo road-trip since before I was a mother of 4!
Relational as far as my "kids" (I use that term loosely since they are all adults or nearly so) having difficulties with special people in their lives... affecting me because mama is always near to help and encourage.

But we fared well.

School has started with a pretty good launch over all.  Senior year.  Just.wow. 

And then... as if out of nowhere.... WHAM.

Ladies... it doesn't matter how long you have been married... don't take your husband for granted.

Words have power.

God used words to create all of existence and if we were created in His image than it stands to reason our words have power as well.  We can create and destroy with them.

Cozy, I was, relieved that nothing new was breaking and all that had been fixed so far was working.  We have money enough coming to get the furnace fixed just in time for cold weather BUT, even in these cozy reliefs, there was an undercurrent of fear brewing.

Fear which made its way into little corners of conversation with my husband, who is typically pretty chill about finances and trusting me to manage it all well.  Yet, as each week passed and I lamented over just barely enough and we need the overtime so badly... inception happened and he snapped.

Maybe your worries aren't money.  Maybe they are kids or schedules or managing it all... and I am not saying we can't vent on life's concern with our hubbies... we are in a partnership where an exchange of information is critical to keep the machinery of a healthy marriage oiled.

BUT

Yes, there is always a but... as precious and important as our spouses are, God is immeasurably more so. 

My mistake was in taking the worry and ticking away at my husband with it.  Oh, I didn't nag or complain at him, I wasn't frantic or bumbling... but I did fumble on in my fear without any glimpse of Trust.

What I should have done was pray.  I promise, it isn't a cliche` statement.  As these concerns mounted I should have been lifting them, from the heart, to God and TRUSTING Him to take control.  As I collected my peace I could have then discussed my concerns with my husband from an angle of problem solving and resolution rather than unsettled fear and dissolution.  We could then join our prayers, thanking God ahead of time for the work we know and trust He is doing, and peace could have been what reined in each and every conversation on the topic.

I know, there are likely many of you out there who will read this and feel relief in victory you have long since had over a problem like this one... or perhaps your husband is good and faithful to point you heavenward when your heart trembles... I praise God with you for such blessings as these.

But as for me... if I have learned anything this year... it is that it is time I wrote through the mess... sharing it as real and authentic me because I have a feeling that a good number of you struggle in similar ways.  Whether it is trust because you are still figuring it out or trust because, like me, you know you should but you are in a really rough patch and you have grown weary... or perhaps your husband forgets to look up too.  Mine went from secular to saved to... struggling just now.  His heart is still with the Lord but, like me, I think he is overwhelmed by much right now.

Like I said, it is all sorta muddled up.  But here is what I know I am suppose to share... the hard things I have been needing to remember:

1. Don't be continually dripping (Proverbs 27:15)
Yes, talk with your husband, go to him with concerns, depend on him... but if something is troubling you to the point that you are always discussing it or sneaking innuendos into discussions, it will eventually wear him down and the results will be much worse than the struggle.

2. Go to God first and find your confidence in Him (Proverbs 3:26)  
Both you and your husband should always take your cares to the Lord first and foremost and then, with a heart lightened by Trust in God's handling of the situation, come to each other in a solutions-based Christ Confidence mindset... even if you don't have (and are far from) the answers! 

I know what you might say: "But Amanda, my husband isn't going to the Lord so what can I do?"  A quote which became my mantra last year might help:

Resolution One: I will follow the Lord

Resolution Two: If no one else does, I still will

Your peace and trust in the Lord can be a blessing to your husband, even if he is not walking that same trust with you at the moment.  I can testify on that!!

3. Your husband needs your respect  (1 Peter 3)
If your family is struggling financially and you are always complaining about money or his pay not being enough... he will begin to feel like he isn't providing well for his family.  It will cause job dissatisfaction along with other secondary impacts.  The best path is to be realistic but positive about the finances and encourage him as a hard worker and supporter of the family.

• Thank him often for working hard.
• Thank him for his love and affection.
• Thank him for his care for the children.
• Do for him, even little things which can remind him of your love.

Don't wait till he does those things for you.... translation: Don't wait until he "deserves" it... after all, if Christ waited for us to "deserve" His sacrifice for us, we never would have gotten it. (Oh how glad I am He didn't wait!!)

4. Repent (Psalm 139:23-24)
EVERY argument between a couple has TWO parts... hers and his.  Sometimes one part is bigger than the other, but there are always two.  It could be you lost your cool and yelled, walling off all reasonable conversation after that point.  It could be you had unreasonable expectations.  It could be one of any number of things... some obvious and some, not so much so.  We should speak up as wives and share our ideas and opinions BUT, at the end of the day, the Bible calls us to submit*... even when we are certain "our way" is better, God does have a plan and, like it or not, it pours through our husbands first.  So, as hard as it might be, ask God to search you and then humbly submit whatever He shows you (and choke back your pride in order to apologize to your husband if it is needed).

I'm not saying this is the perfect recipe to absolute resolution... but it is a great start for finding peace with God, even if the peace in your marriage is shaken for the time being.  I know.  I am there right now!! So many other factors can and do come into play.  As for now, it has taken a number of days to come to a place of peace with my situation BUT I do feel the presence of the Lord and I am certain He is doing a good work in all of this!

I pray you are enjoying a blissful marriage... but if you are not, you are not alone.  Don't give up but do surrender, God has a good plan if you allow Him to work, especially in the mess.

Blessings,






* Please note, if you are in a physically abusive relationship you may possibly need to consider removing yourself from the situation while both of you seek professional help.  Also, husbands should never ask their wives to do something illegal or unbiblical.  Always follow God's Word first. And, finally, if your marriage has continued to suffer over a long period of time, you both may benefit from seeking counsel with your pastor or another trusted Christian counseling service to help with productive conflict resolution.  The thoughts in this article are in no way meant to take the place of professional help when it is needed.

Married to ADHD

Pulling together the latest version of my husband's resume, I couldn't help but find it dizzying how many jobs he has held over the 30+ years of his working life.  Sure the recessions played a part in some of the sporadic history, but fact is, the greatest cause... ADHD.

Years earlier, when my oldest daughter was diagnosed with this attentiveness challenging "disorder" I began to dig and learn all I could on the topic so as to help her in the best ways possible.  Combing through article after article I found a mixture of solace and overwhelmedness in how many attributes my husband carried as well. The normal 'distracted' tendencies weren't even the worst of it, it was also things like:

• Hyper-focused... to the point that he would block out everything and everyone else to a fault in order to keep doing whatever thing he was doing right then.  For my husband, it was online gaming.
• Forgetfulness... and the worst part was blaming me or not taking me seriously upon reminders.
• Impulsiveness... whether it was purchasing something, interrupting, eating or jumping to do something before everyone was ready. 
• Easily bored and then impatient... this not only plays out in quickly growing tiered of a hum-drum activity with me and/or the kids but it also manifests the most in his dissatisfaction with jobs.  Within anywhere from 2 weeks on up to 5 months he begins to go stir crazy and desperate to find a way out.  His other ADHD attributes often make him difficult to get along with at work which further exasperates the situation.
• A constant need for stimulation... he can hardly ever just sit and BE.  The quiet activities the rest of us would like to do we often end up exploring without my husband
• Overwhelmingly "independent"... or simply, he is a loner and, in every job or volunteer situation, he sees every way he wants to do it differently (or, sometimes "better") and can't seem to just go with the flow.
• An alternative self-image from what everyone else sees and experiences... which can lead to arguments when he doesn't understand why everyone is upset with him because, in his mind, he didn't say or do anything wrong.

These are the key points which have adversely affected my marriage from the beginning.  Attributes which, until my daughter's diagnoses, I just considered annoying personality quarks.  We would find ourselves in many arguments and often at odds over the simplest things.  I knew something had to change.

1st - I got my eyes firmly fixed on Christ.  It may seem cliche, but seriously.  Being consumed in God's Word and commands of how we ought to navigate difficult relationships, including the marriage, helped me to find balance and peace in the midst of trying situations with my husband.

2nd - With my eyes firmly fixed, I began to walk out what I learned.  I practiced (and continue to try and practice) love and grace without recompense.  This alone began to alter my responses to his various sporadic behaviors. 

• I quit nagging on him when he would game to all hours.
• I didn't get upset if he left halfway through a slow movie.
• When he forgot something I told him, I calmly reminded him.
• When he still didn't remember and began to grow frustrated, I dropped it
• I chose peace over being proven right.
• I chose grace over gratification

I strove to remember, above all else, in every situation, Christ has modeled long-suffering better than anyone.  He couldn't make people behave or believe, he could only share truth in peace and, when that didn't work, politely step to the side.  I could walk in the same way.

We also made a deal where the jobs were concerned... he has to have another job lined up before he can quit the one he is at and, at the very least, it has to have the same pay.  He has stuck firm to this agreement because, despite his often inattentive behaviour, he really does love us very much and wants to take care of us.  Here I cling tightly to God's Word when it reminds me that God has gifted my husband to be the head of the family.  I have every right to make suggestions and weigh in on subjects, but at the end of the day, my job isn't to be right or get my way... it is to obey God by submitting whole-heartedly to my husband's decisions. GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING in and for and through my husband.  I must trust.  Even when it doesn't make sense or seems like a worse situation.

So, I update resumes, prepare for schedule changes and show love and grace to my husband as he knows he has the freedom to be him while also taking care of us.  At times, in the past, I have also needed to grab some side-work to supplement... cleaning houses, babysitting and other odds and end trades through the years.  In the end, we fight much much less and I enjoy my marriage so much more (I'm certain he does as well)!

It isn't an easy life, being married to ADHD.  But when I remember the relentless, grace-overflowing love Christ issues to each one of us and then calls us to love each other with... how can I not devote my energy to simply loving my husband, crazy ADHD-all-over-the-place and all!

No matter your marriage dynamics, I pray God's grace and mercy and peace flow through you to your spouse... that the two of you can know more fullness and joy in your marriage, regardless of whatever else may be going on around you.

A Recipe for the Hard Times in Marriage

Hard Times, everyone has them.  Fact is, I don't think we fully understand the value of the good times without occasionally drudging through the hard ones.  If this is true for all of life... why not marriage?

My husband and I have experienced a lifetime of hard times within the small span of the almost 22 years we have been together.  Secular when we met... then I got saved... 10 years later so did he... and all the tidbits which fill the space between those pivotal points.  Or how about jobless... recession... more joblessness... being married to ADHD... struggles with kids... death... disease... and, again, so much more which fills in the space between.

Hard Times.

But hope.

Within all of the above, the hardest of these hard times has always come as a result of my attitude... especially towards my husband.

He is my partner... or am I viewing him as my rival
He is my confidante... or am I keeping everything to myself
He is my encourager... or do I hide my doubt

Yes, some of my hard times are the result of my husband, himself, challenging me by his mood or attitude.  Yet, that is still no excuse.  I've tried EVERYTHING, but only one thing worked well.  Submit.  It may seem like a dirty word... "submit"... in our culture of hyper-feminism it is nearly derogatory.  However, Biblical submission is beautiful and rewarding.  I have a recipe for submission, formulated through years of trial and error....

Pray.
This may seem obvious, but the content could be unexpected.  Yes, I pray for my husband and over our situations.  I may also pray that God would open my husband's heart and mind.  But most of all, I pray for myself... I pray over anywhere I may not be walking right or communicating well or doing my best for our relationship and the situation.  I pray, also, for strength to persevere as a reflection of God's love, grace and peace to my husband... regardless of how he reacts.

Remember.
How many times have I had a rough day or challenge and found myself lacking in ability to act lovingly to those around me, including my husband.  As I come through my momentary rough patch I often feel a bit guilty for how I acted and then I look up to see my husband still standing strong having weathered the storm with me.  This encourages me to remember I can be used by God to help my husband when he is weathering his own storms.  The whole 'log and spec' analogy comes to mind!

May I always be humble and remember: his challenge or struggle today could be my challenge or struggle tomorrow... I ought to measure out the same love, grace, and care that I would hope to have measured back (even if it never is).

Walk.
... in love.  I learned to lovingly do for him all the tender things a wife is called to do; coffee in bed, a welcome home hug, his favorite dinner, etc.  Even when I don't 'feel' like it, I ought to serve him if, for no other reason (and this is helpful if you are at dire odds with your spouse) but because Jesus did the same for ALL when they were unlovable, unreachable and down-right impossible!  If I am called to love and forgive and serve others the way Jesus did... doesn't this apply even more so to me with my husband?

 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

- 1 John 4:7-8 

... in grace and forgiveness.  As mentioned, I like to remember: I have bad days needing much grace and forgiveness as well!  If I can't issue, abundantly, grace and forgiveness for the hard times, messy times, and 'I just wasn't thinking' times... then what can I issue it for?  If I can't first issue grace and forgiveness to my spouse then any I issue elsewhere is empty.  Grace is the greatest gift ever bestowed upon mankind, forgiving us when we were unforgivable.  If it is given to me so freely, ought I not also give to others, especially my husband, unbound?

 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:14-15

... in peace.  It's hard, but I strive to choose not to argue or fight or be petty or irritable... the list could go on.  Culture says: REACT.  God says: SUBMIT and serve.  Reactionary living is one of the biggest rots to our modern culture.  We have lost the art of listening, serving and simply being there.  Opinion is not required in every situation.  Often, simple peace will suffice.  Walking in peace has the power to defuse the most hostile situations.  Walking in peace provides a pocket for clear thinking and processing (on both parts.)  Walking in peace is one of the hardest things a person can do during hard times, however, it packs some of the biggest rewards.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.  

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

- Romans 12:17-18 

Respect.
Scripture is clear in regards to the husband-wife relationship on this matter: God commands the man to love his wife as he commands the wife to respect or honor her husband.  Why?  Does God mean that man does not need to respect his wife or wife does not need to love her husband?  No, not at all.  Elsewhere in scripture we see beautiful examples of a reciprocal spousal relationship.  In actuality, God is the author of "Love Languages" and He knows (because he created us) what speaks to our hearts loudest and best.  For woman, we need to feel love from our husbands and our husbands need to know they are respected by us.  Time and time again, the greatest cause of strife in marriage comes when wives, often unintentionally, disrespect their husbands.  

After many failures on this point, I began to listen and learn what my husband feels is disrespectful.  You can do this too by asking questions like: Does he flare up when he is interrupted?  Does he grow irritated when he feels ignored?  Does he loose it when you disagree with him in front of the children?  Does he take deep offence when you don't consult him on various issues?  Whatever you notice as your husband's trigger-point, whether or not you agree it is "reasonable", do everything in your power to show him more respect by responding alternatively in those situations. I can honestly say, arguments have dropped by at least 90% in my household since I began working on this area of our marriage.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, 

and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  

- Ephesians 5:33

Trust.
I think this has been the hardest lesson for me.  I like to control and be in charge!  I have had to work at trusting that God knows what He is doing when he moves my husband to make certain decisions.  Good or bad, my responsibility isn't to the outcome of my husband's decisions... it is to God in obedience to my husband (as long as he doesn't ask me to go along with anything unbiblical).  It is hard to stand by, when times are hard, and not try and take control.  However, I have  learned: you CAN and should relax and TRUST God at work through your husband... even if he is not a Christian... even if it feels like times get even harder for a while.  The struggle is not permanent, but obedience to God carries eternity.

I have also had to grow in trust with my husband in sharing my heart.  This may seem silly, after all, we get married as the result of sharing hearts... right?  Yet, often, when we are the ones having the hard time, we forget our closest Allie beside God is our husband!  The tips I have had to wrestle through: Don't isolate yourself or soak in a self-defeatist, woe-is-me attitude or think all issues must be self-solved.  God has blessed us with a spouse in order to help us.  Since my husband became a Christian he has also become my most valuable prayer partner.  When he was secular, I still found ways to share my heart gently and honestly.  Praying for God's good timing always helped (as long as I listened to His leading!!).  When my marriage was really struggling, this took time as I learned how  to better talk/listen with my husband.  Through many trials and errors I grew in patience with him, myself and God. Trust. God will bless perseverance.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

- Ephesians 5:22-24

***
Stir well and apply liberally!

Hard times can be within the home... or they can be life's daily challenges somewhere without.  Regardless, draw close to God and to each other.  You WILL come through stronger on the other side.  And for those with unbelieving husbands:  I have seen many husbands turned by the loving, gracious, caring acts of their wives... my own included.  If we are called to reflect the Light in a dark world, why would we miss this awesome opportunity with our husbands?

This may seem like a lot of work!  You may wonder, "What about me?  When do I get such treatment?"  Fair enough.  Well... you will find your affectionate care becoming contagious.  It may happen in days... or weeks... or months.  It may even take years, as it did in my own situation.  In the meantime, persevere, leaning on the Lord as your strength and guide.  Do all to honor God and God will, in His good timing, bless you in unexpected ways.

This life isn't about us.  It isn't about the hard times.  It isn't even about our husbands.  It is all, completely, 100% about Him who calls us and justifies us... it is all about His glory alone.  The Hard Times are merely a vehicle to remind us of His strength and power over our weaknesses.  They are an opportunity to draw ever closer.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 

She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. 

Proverbs 31:11-12 

I pray you find strength for the Hard Times as you draw close to God and trust Him to draw you and your husband closer together.



Blessings,

Speaking of love and marriage, I have a new Bible Study out this month, "Love Is..." correlating the whole of scripture to the tenets of 1 Corinthians 13.  Have you been longing to learn how to love as Christ calls us to?  You may want to check this study out.  You can find a FREE link on my Instagram profile OR you can subscribe to my newsletter (it is FREE) and receive February's issue with the "Love Is" Bible study and more.  Details are below:

 

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Making Marriage a Priority

We couldn't be more different than night and day, my husband and I.  He is short, I am tall.  He likes warm days, I like cold.  He is stubborn, I am easy going.  But somehow, in all of our differences, here we are... more than 20 years later, stronger than ever.  It hasn't been an easy road, as a matter of fact, many times I almost gave up.

As I came to know Christ better and put Him at the center of my heart over my own selfish desires, love prevailed.  Not the romantic, fluffy, swooning kind of love, but rather, a deep, agape love; devoted in-spite of all logic to the contrary.  

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

1 Peter 3:1-2 

God's good guidance through verses like this one in 1 Peter became my anchor as well.  It encouraged and strengthened me to honor my husband as I remembered how valued and important it was to God... how my conduct in honoring God could blaze a path straight to His throne for others, especially my husband, to follow.

Years later I keep these concepts close.  I hold tight to all God has taught me (and continues to teach me) for strengthening my marriage and insuring my husband feels loved, respected and cared for.  I have learned to make my marriage my biggest priority.  

This month,  in honor of love and Valentines, I wanted to take some time to talk about the sacred union of marriage, to share some trials and tribulations from the unique circumstances which have come to define my marriage experience. So, with this agenda in mind and today's theme.... how DO you make marriage a priority (even when you and your husband are as different as fire and ice)?

1. Know his love language.
If you haven't heard of this concept, Focus on the Family has a great article here.  There is also a book and other great material by Gary Chapman on the topic.  Knowing your husband's love language can help you find ways to 'speak', without words, specifically to his heart.  I have found it  cuts down on the amount of disagreements we have as well!  Knowing my husband's love language 
I am able to invest my time well on only those things which will be most likely to make him feel loved.

  
2. Be deliberate in spending time together (even if only in small pockets.)
Get up with him when he rises for work and make breakfast or visit with him while he readies for his day.  Go to bed at the same time if possible... or at least spend a few minutes together AT bedtime downloading the day and praying together.  Pause and really listen to him when he gets home from work to hear how his day was... even if you have been texting off and on all day, ask about the drive home.  Monopolize on time together to talk during car rides even when running errands or shuttling kids.  Even (and especially) when you have small children, capturing even a few minutes in conversation or a good hug can help you both feel connected. 

3. Make Date Night a priority.
This was most important when our kids were younger and we had to work harder to make sure we got more than 5 minutes together in the day!  I always scheduled around date night, only the most dire of emergencies could push it off.  We had date night EVERY single Friday evening.

Date night rules:

• Avoid talking about the kids the whole time.
• Avoid talking about money problems or other worries.
• Avoid discussing extended family members or friends. 

So what do you talk about?  LIFE!  Dreams, hopes, ambitions, each other, heart renderings and so on.

Date night doesn't have to be extravagant.  Many times, as our kids were growing up, we couldn't afford a baby sitter or an outing.  Instead, we would play a favorite board or card game together, talk, go for walks and/or drives, or watch a movie after kids were tucked in bed.    However you implement date night, make it regular and solidly positioned into your schedule, refusing other engagements that could threaten it's high priority.

That's right, it IS a "high" priority because your husband IS a high priority.  Some day, in a blink, you're kids will be grown. It will be just you and hubby. Don't wait till then to show him he's important. 

Oh, and one last note on date night: get excited about it even when you're staying in!  Prepare, plot the day, wear an outfit you know he likes to see you in (yes, even if you are staying in), talk with excitement about it, even send him messages during the day, like, "I can't wait to spend time with you tonight".  Build anticipation, even if you have to put it in your feelings wagon and pull it along!  Remember the excitement you had when you were dating... draw on that if necessary.

4. Get those to-dos, ta-done!
One of the biggest mistakes I repeatedly made for many years was not really listening to my husband's heart on things I knew he needed/wanted done.  It may be as simple as making sure he had clean socks or clearing a path through the kid mess so he didn't have to step on toys!  He understood the buzz of life and gave me grace in that... but in all fairness, I didn't always prioritize the things I knew would make our house a home he looked forward to coming back to at the end of a long day.  

Some husbands are more refrained and make little to no requests of wives.  If you have one of those fellas, just ask him, "Are there any to-dos which might bless you if I was to prioritize making sure they were ta-done?"  I learned to listen to all my husband was and wasn't saying in between....

• Was he complaining that he couldn't find something [because the area it was kept in wasn't as clean or organized as it should be]
• Was he remarking about the crazy amount of crumbs.
• Was he asking, "When was the last time you..."
• Was he commenting, "How come we always/you always/never...."

Too often I would get my feathers ruffled and jump to the defense of myself and my time and the kids.... but once the dust settled from the resulting fights, I realized he wasn't wrong.  Some tasks were  hard during certain seasons of my life... but many to-do list requests were much more possible than I wanted to admit, if I simply prioritized well.  Not all days were (or are) perfect, but I could certainly try my best all days and take comfort in knowing, as long as I had the right attitude in the push, I was serving my husband with all my heart!

5. Know, acknowledge and respond to his needs in love and grace.
This may seem like a redundant theme at the core of all I've already said,  and in some ways it is.  However, I also feel it deserves it's own highlight because the idea of an attitude of love and grace in serving our husbands is so very important and often overlooked. As a matter of fact,  I get a lot of flack on this one from women I counsel.  "But what about my needs?" is the inevitable lament.  Fair enough.  Yet, I am a living testimony to how we truly need to see things rather culturally upside-down in this topic and how deeply we need to trust God to help us persevere.  Christ didn't lumber to the cross and say, "But what about ME."  No, he mustard all his strength, walking the distance and then allowing himself to be sacrificed for us.  If He could, surely I can too.

For years I practiced this type of love on my husband... unreciprocated kind gestures of servanthood.  Good friends told me I was crazy.  But I kept thinking of 1 Peter and pushed on.  The more I doted, the more his eyes opened and one day he began to respond with his own style of love gestures! 

Knowing his needs I could create a positive mental narrative about him and what he desired.
Acknowledging his needs I still strive to show an attitude of love and grace (even when I feel his requests are outlandish!)  I try hard to cut the curtness and foster a spirit of positivity, "I CAN".

Responding to his needs, I follow through.  I don't slam or grunt or hunch, but rather, I allow each movement in the process to pass through the filter of God's grace and love.

He may desire more time alone with me, so, instead of grumbling how the kids constantly need me, I kick into problem-solving mode and look for ways to capture that needed time.  Or perhaps I show love and grace by bringing him coffee in bed when I see he has a hard time waking up in the morning.  Maybe he has asked for some quality family time so I clear a day on everyone's schedule (like date night) when no one is allowed to leave to other activities and we invest together.

Some days I still need to remind myself of the attitude bit! It helps to remember what attitude I always hope he has with me (even when he doesn't! ). More so, I consider what attitude Christ had as he went above and beyond for all mankind. 

6. Never use intimacy as a tool for manipulation.
Intimacy is a beautiful part of marriage.  It is intended not just as a fulfillment of desire but also as a way that couples can connect on a deeper level.  During the formative years of early marriage I read, "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian, and in her chapter on intimacy she discusses this topic in detail.  The most memorable note she shared was in addressing many women's lament over not being "in the mood".  Stormie suggests: GET in the mood!  

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:5 

When we think of our husband's need for intimacy over our desire to simply say, "Not tonight honey.", we need to continue to have a servant's heart.  1 Corinthians 7 cautions us on how a lack of intimacy for long periods can lead to temptations.  If we love our husbands, we should want to do everything in our power to help him keep his way pure... intimacy with us is part of that process.

So much more could be said on this topic, however, I will wrap up the point by also sharing how using intimacy as a tool to get what you want or 'punish' your husband is not only unBiblical but also destructive to the marriage.  I have learned over the years to separate my frustration with him from my love and desire to meet his needs.  If I am deeply upset, we find time to talk, but we do not use the marriage bed as a bargaining chip.  If anything, it can often help facilitate reconciliation.


7. Pray together.
THE single most important thing a couple should be doing is praying together.  During my husband's secular years, after I became a Christian, I began praying FOR him daily.  I prayed in my heart as he left for work, I prayed throughout the day and, at bedtime, as he drifted off to sleep, I lifted up prayers for his salvation.  It took 10 years, but God did answer!  If your husband is not a believer, make a commitment to pray for him, his well being and, most of all his salvation... daily.

Now that my husband is a Christian we never miss an opportunity to pray together. Every morning I pray with him before he leaves for work. Every evening we pray together at bed time, thanking God for specifics from the day and seeking his intervention for us and those we know.  During the day we may call on each other for a quick prayer together over a specific situation and when wonderful blessings occur, we pray together to thank God for His goodness.

Prayer connects us on a spiritual level, keeps our focus on God, and intertwines all that makes us strongest.  

Final thoughts
I will admit, there is so much more which goes into a marriage then 7 simple points.  However, these 7 points have had such a HUGE impact on the peace and joy we are able to experience as a married couple... even though we are such opposites!  I will also admit I don't get it right as often as I would like, but I keep striving to honor God by honoring my husband better each day.  I am grateful God is writing our love story... it is so much deeper than any I could have penned on my own!

What tips do you have for making marriage a priority?

I pray God guides and blesses your journey as a couple, strengthening you through the hard times to serve your husband with all your heart and keeping your marriage in that top-slot!


Blessings,

Speaking of love and marriage, I have a new Bible Study out this month, "Love Is..." correlating the whole of scripture to the tenets of 1 Corinthians 13.  Have you been longing to learn how to love as Christ calls us to?  You may want to check this study out.  You can find a FREE link on my Instagram profile OR you can subscribe to my newsletter (it is FREE) and receive February's issue with the "Love Is" Bible study and more.  Details are below:

 

You can click here to see some of the great blogs I am linking up today ...

*Are you subscribed to my newsletter?  You might want to be.  Why?  Well, the newsletter contains bonus material you won't find on the website... not to mention, in those busy months when I can't get regular blog articles up, you can count on this periodical popping up in your email in-box each last Thursday with all new content!  What exactly does the newsletter contain?

• Encouraging articles on Faith, Home(making), and Homeschool
• Free printables under different themes each month
• Insider info on the latest goings-ons with all things on my blog and writing related

You won't find all this great bonus material on the blog so be sure to sign up so you don't miss out!  It's Ok, hop over real quick, right there to your right, see it on my sidebar where it says, "Subscribe to my Newsletter" with a  picture of the "Faith and Home Times" logo above it?  Ok, now enter your email in the box labeled "email address" then click "Subscribe"....(don't worry, it doesn't hurt and I promise not to spam you!). You should receive a confirmation email from me.  

I look forward to sharing Faith and Home Times with you!!

But Now I Keep Your Word

I set out into October expecting to write about LIGHT in my Mid-week Messages.  The Light of Jesus, the Light of God's Word... light in it's various forms in scripture, particularly through Psalm 119 as it has been a theme this month (God's Word: a Light to my path♥️)  But, instead, I find myself writing about marriage and how Psalm 119 is helping me with mine.  I wrote about it last week as I shared Hope for a Struggling Marriage and, this week, you guessed it, marriage is on the menu again.

I know, October is the last month one would expect to elicit thoughts of weddings and married life.  However, with my anniversary falling on the 10th every year, at the height of pumpkin spice season, my thoughts often linger on the early days of life with my husband.  I'm reminded of so many falls ago and all which has kept us going since.

I don't talk about my married life here on the blog very much. Mostly because hubby and I seem to ride more roller coasters than marry-go-rounds together and I never could see what I might bring to the conversation on the topic.However, this month, I feel like God has been moving me to be more open.  Perhaps because a portion of my sabbatical was prompted by struggles as a wife last fall.  Shutting down was, in part, because I was afraid to talk about where I was and I couldn't get over the hump to talk about anything else. However, since last fall, I have come to realize how not talking about it removes a much needed voice to other women like me.  I guess, to make any amount of sense here, I need to start from the beginning, in a shortened 'this is just a blog article' version...

I didn't grow up "in the church".  My grandma took me when I happened to be with her on a given weekend.  In high school I moved in with my dad (my parents were divorced) and, due to a closer proximity with grandma, I began attending more frequently.  At 16 I walked forward at church to 'get saved', though, to this day, I am not certain it was a true salvation but rather "fire insurance" as a result of yet another fire-and-brimstone sermon. I wasn't sure about the whole "Jesus" thing but I was certain about one thing: I didn't want to go to hell.

After what I have come to dub as my 'psudo salvation' I didn't live like a Christian.  I did try to read the King James Bible my grandmother had gifted me when I was 13 but the words were to frothy and I gave up.  Living under an Atheist's roof and being a daddy's girl by nature, incentive to 'walk right' was definitely lacking.  My dad's remarriage my freshman year to a woman who despised me drove me farther away.  I wanted love and acceptance badly.

So, I married my high school 'sweetheart'.  He was a year older and had joined the Air Force.  I graduated a semester early and, while my peers attended prom, I was planning my shot-gun wedding.  A few days after exchanging vows we loaded up our pick-up truck and headed west to his first duty station in Washington state.

And that is where it all took a big leap.

I had always wanted to attend church on Christmas eve and, recognizing I had a chance to formulate my own family traditions as an adult, we went for it.  I could have never anticipated how my pseudo-salvation would break that night.  After a fun play presented by the youth, pastor took the podium and began his O Holy Night message: the story of Abraham and Issac on the mountain.  I can't explain what happened except, despite the welcoming friendliness of the evenings greeters and the hope of establishing a church 'home', the message lit an unholy fire in me and I grew angry at God: "What kind of God would ask a dad to sacrifice his kid???" and "How on earth is this relevant on this night?"

As the evening concluded I made vaguely polite gestures of farewell, fighting the urge to run from the building.  I never went back.  Out of tradition I remember kneeling to set cookies for Santa by the gifts under the tree.  There, just before bed, in the glow of Christmas tradition I stood up resolutely and point-blank told God I didn't want anything to do with Him anymore.

I ran hard and fast away from faith.  I made mistakes, suffered from severe depression, attempted suicide, dabbled with drinking and made a general wreck of my life.  My marriage couldn't handle the weight of destruction we both wreaked and, after 4 years, when my oldest was 2, we split.

It was in this state that I met my now hubby.  He was coming out of a much rougher life than I.  I can honestly say, with my grandmother's tugging and my mom's new-found-faith, I never wandered too far.  I still longed for family and home and dreamt of being a housewife caring for it all.  I'm truly simple at my core.  Yet, as hubby and I took off in the direction of couple-hood, we did so in this lost and broken state.  Living together before and during engagement and even having Ashley before we were married.

Once we said "I Do" I found my marriage struggling again.  Desperately.  Until one day, when pregnant with Brenden, I wandered into a small church in our little town.  I had never heard sermons preached with so much power and so little yelling!  I learned of a loving God, not just a damning God.  Then, one morning, while an infant Brenden slept in my arms, Pastor had us open our Bibles to Genesis 22.  As I saw the heading, I cringed, ready to run for the door. The Sacrifice of Issac.  However, as pastor spoke, I realized something was different.  This time I heard the story of a God of Love.  A God who commanded complete Trust and devotion.  A God who would never really have a dad kill his son, but rather, would call a dad to Trust and then He, God, would provided what was needed.

I sobbed.  I held the small bundle that was baby Brenden close to my chest for fear my trembling arms might drop him!  I cried into his soft, blanketed body and called out to God from my heart, seeking His deep forgiveness for my foolishness and sinful ways, finally seeing and understanding.

That day I went home changed.  That day I began really digging into my Bible.  In her wisdom and desire to see me accept Christ, my recently converted mother had sent me an easier to read translation which quickly became my most treasured possession.  I devoured it, allowing God to transform me through every new and profound message which shed light on those warn out old ways.

One thing God's Word showed me in particular, the greatest light to my step, was how much God hated divorce.  I had been divorced.  It was a tough pill to swallow.  I found myself calling out to God for his mercy and finding conviction to set things right.  First, I made amends with my ex-husband, asking for his forgiveness.  It was what I felt I needed to do to be free to commit my whole heart to my hubby.  He forgave and I moved forward.  Second, God showed me through His Word how He calls us to STAY and serve our spouses even in the difficult times of married life when everything seems lost.  God impressed on me how He had a plan for my unbelieving spouse and He uses us, as wives, to bring that plan to fruition.

So, while my marriage didn't improve at first, my attitude did.  I committed to praying for my husband daily, to see Him come to a saving grace.  I prayed God would transform my husband into a man I could pray with in all of life's ups and downs.  It took 10 years of praying in this way before that big day came.  10 years of diverging beliefs and lonely struggles.  But it was worth every.single.day.

After his salvation he too soaked up God's Word and the counsel of other believers.  Within that first year he was Called to use his gifts in the missions field... a Call I had known 5 years prior when God told me He would show me the time to step forward in It.  So we answered, we sold much, gave much, traveled much and Trusted completely.

Then, almost 6 years ago, God called us out of field work and into our current home.  This, I believe, has been the biggest struggle in our lives.  Going from full-time work for God to full-time work for secular society.  The strain has been very difficult on our family and our marriage.  I thought maybe something was 'wrong' with us until I recently read "Missionaries are REAL People" by Ellen Rosenberger and discovered, no, our struggles were real and normal and manageable IF we kept our eyes on Jesus.

Yet, even in our struggles, I am reminded how each year does get better, with it's tweaks and adjustments, we move along.  Studying Psalm 119 this month has helped me with the struggles we still face in ways I didn't realize I was needing.  Every time I have read this Psalm in the past I only saw it for it's treasure of verses on the importance of God's Word.  But this month, I have also seen it for the treasure of verses on the POWER of God through His Word.  This week... the reason I share such a detailed back story... is because God's Word reminded me of how powerful our stories and experiences are:

You have dealt well with your servant, O Lord, according to your word.  

Teach me good judgment and knowledge, for I believe in your commandments.   

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word.  

You are good and do good; teach me your statutes..... 

It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statues.  

The law of your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold an silver pieces.

Psalm 119:65-68, 71-72 (emphasis added)

I once deeply regretted my past and resented how it wasn't different or better... that it took me so long to walk the right path... that my mistakes have had such far reaching ramifications.  Learning how these experiences were needed for my story, though, has been a slow process.  Meditating on verses 67 and 71 finally and completely closed the door on those apprehensions.  My faith has been made stronger because of my trials, not in spite of them.  I've known this for a long time but I feel like, each time I learn more on the topic, it becomes increasingly tangible.

Perhaps this post is still about LIGHT.  The light of hope and the promises in darkness.

I remember your name in the night, O Lord, and keep your law.

Psalm 119:55

This great big story is too much for one post and I hope I haven't overwhelmed the blog page with randomness as I tried to cram it all in such a small space!!  I hope, if nothing else, other women out there struggling like I have and still at times do, can find hope in the words and story here.  It can be hard to keep my chin up when hubby and I tend towards fire and ice more often than I care to admit.  But when I cast my gaze to the scope of our history I am reminded of how great and good God is.  How he set his light in my darkness, how he used my afflictions to teach and grow me.

One thing I do know as a result of my afflictions... I don't take my faith for granted.  When I look at the good work God has done in my husband I know He won't stop.  God is good, He does good, He will teach me his statutes and I will keep His Word♥️

I pray, if you are in any of the places I have been or am now, that you find peace in knowing your past is your past, it makes us who we are today as God teaches us how to keep His Word through it all...even and especially concerning our marriages!

***

If you are interested in a Psalm 119 study guide, scroll down to the end of this article to see how you can get a FREE copy!  Though I have poured over the beautiful words of this Psalm many times before, I am still finding new and wonderful messages to grow my Walk with Christ.

***

Blessings,

You can click here to see some of the great blogs I am linking up today ...

By the way.....

*Are you subscribed to my newsletter?  You might want to be.  Why?  Well, the newsletter contains bonus material you won't find on the website... not to mention, in those busy months when I can't get regular blog articles up, you can count on this periodical popping up in your email in-box each last Thursday with all new content!  What exactly does the newsletter contain?

• Encouraging articles on Faith, Home(making), and Homeschool
• Free printables under different themes each month
• Insider info on the latest goings-ons with all things on my blog and writing related

You won't find all this great bonus material on the blog so be sure to sign up so you don't miss out!  It's Ok, hop over real quick, right there to your right, see it on my sidebar where it says, "Subscribe to my Newsletter" with a  picture of the "Faith and Home Times" logo above it?  Ok, now enter your email in the box labeled "email address" then click "Subscribe"....(don't worry, it doesn't hurt and I promise not to spam you!). You should receive a confirmation email from me.  

Also, with your new subscription, you will be entered into my latest drawing AND I will send you October's newsletter which includes a FREE printable Bible Study and bonus PDF! Details of the prize package are in October 15th's article on Extremely Fast Meals

Hope for a Struggling Marriage

Oh, if only life could be simple.  If adult children really did listen to your sage advice and if husbands never wearied and complained.  I operated for a very long time thinking all the other blogs out there held 'perfect' families to which I couldn't hold a flame.  My past year of sabbatical, however, reminded me that everyone has their trials... and yes, there are some near-perfect families out there, but there are also many like mine... trying as they might, still falling far short of that wonderful Glory every Christian strives for. 

It gives me peace. 

Not a sadistic or satiric sort... no, a comfort in knowing I am not alone... I am in good company.  Last night, after another weary day where I was reminded that the war is not yet won and battles still must be fought, I sulked into an article where one wife wouldn't take "no" for an answer.  When her husband packed to leave, she refused him to go and instead, opted for peace and grace and allowing him time to sort.

No, my husband is not packing to go... far from it!  But he is struggling right now.  Wow.  I admitted that on the worldwide web!  I prayed 10 years for my man to know Jesus as his savior and when God answered my prayers, my husband didn't walk... he ran into His arms.  It was wonderful.  The years since have been full of finding ways and learning the ropes.  Many successes... but in recent years... many failures. Too many details for a little blog post.  Hubby still loves Jesus, but he is also being beat-down by the world. 

He wants to be strong.  He wants to get it right every time.  He wants to see others get it right too.  I know this.  But in his struggles and fights, it gets messy.  And in the mess, people can be taken for granted.  We all do it, he is no exception.

In his years since salvation I have taken for granted that I didn't have to work as hard anymore.  Where I use to be mindful of my reactions and actions so as to measure them carefully against the Word of God in hopes of not just growing in Christ myself but also drawing the man I loved.... now I could relax my walk and know he already saw Christ. 

Perhaps relaxed is the worst place to be.  Perhaps there was a great and Holy purpose to those years of trials... a purpose I lost site of in the years of Goodness.  A purpose I am needing to rediscover... to remind my love of God's goodness again.  To reflect grace and peace inside of a graceless and peaceless world.  Yet, so out of practice am I, it is like holding wild horses or trying to move a stubborn donkey.  He bucks, I buck.  He brays, I bray.

It's petty, really.  And truth be told, it is an approach so polluted by the world and a mindset of entitlement that says; because I am a woman I deserve.  Because I feel, I shouldn't have to put-up.    But truth be told, if we all got what we really deserved, it would be a pretty bleak outlook.  We didn't deserve for a man to be ridiculed, beaten and nailed to a cross... humiliated... and why?  For us, so we could have a perfect eternity after muddying up the temporal! 

Then I think of the hormones of 4 pregnancies and the wailing of those deliveries... I think of the clinical depression that set in after loosing my mom and my entire reproductive system unexpectedly in the same year and under the age of 30.  I think of menopause and control issues and ALL that the good Lord has helped me overcome... and all my husband endured out of love and devotion... even when I was unlovable... so that I could be here today, more confident, healed and at peace than any other time in my life.

And I think of that late-night article.  The strength of a woman to say "NO" and see through the bucking to tame the beast.  To realize his lashing and running wasn't her, it was struggles and hurt that our poor men are often ill-equipped to maneuver.  Hopes and expectations which drop to the floor when work isn't well or job is lost.  Our men know we depend on them and they are at a loss and scared when they fall short.

So they growl and grumble and skulk.  They wander and wonder and forget.

But we... we wives who may not like those burly men very much at the moment... we get the honor of praying for and loving them... not because they are lovable, but because God loves them anyway.  In a world that says 'run from the hardships' Christ says 'stay for the hope'.  He stayed, up there, nailed to a chunk of wood.  He could have climbed down.  He could have called upon a legion of angels.  He could have been like the world and 'run from the hardships' but he didn't.  He 'stayed for the hope'.  And we all, every.single.one.of.us who believes and follows, has a place at the Table as a result.

Reading Psalm 119:25-32 in my devo today, really put all this into perspective.  In part (with my emphasis added):

My soul clings to the dust;

give me life according to your word!

...

My soul melts away for sorrow;

strengthen me according to your word!

...

I have chosen the way of faithfulness;

I set your rules before me.

I cling to your testimonies, O Lord;

let me not be put to shame!

I will run in the way of your commandments

when you enlarge my heart

[or for you set my heart free]

- Psalm 119: 25, 28, 30-32

Oh, how my heart clung to this passage today.  Clinging to the dust, melting away for sorrow, yet such hope.... God's Word can give me strength and life.... I can choose His way and clinging to God's Word I will gain that strength and endurance to run in the way He shows me.  I am set free.  But the world binds me to expectations...

... expect perfection in relationships
... expect others to justify me
... expect people to do what I expect of them
... expect  

Yet, the more I expect the more tethered I feel.  Waiting and hoping expectations will be met.  Psalm 119 doesn't say, 'focus on people' to fulfill.... no.  It says to focus on God and His Word.  It doesn't say walk according to what the world says (leave, fight, be entitled)... nope.  It says to walk according to God's Word.  It goes one farther.. it says to RUN!  (stay, make peace, serve and sacrifice).

In all these months, when the bucking and braying made their rounds, I have felt so stifled, so tied-down.  Not because of the hardship... but because of my worldly mindset inside of the hardship.  But now, being reminded of those years of prayer and Devotion to God and the magnified peace and relational prosperity in my marriage as a result, I feel so free!  I can breathe again.  I can HOPE.

Perhaps you have one of those 'life is wonderful' marriages... praise be to God for such a blessing!  I celebrate with you ♥️  But, just maybe, you are like me... on a roller coaster... battling the messages of the world which pull you into hopelessness while God is holding out a hand and encouraging you to be strong and hope again.  I pray you will grab a hold of Him.  That, like I have found, you can find the true freedom of letting go of expectations and clinging to God.  Remembering; we are not in a sprint... we are running a marathon with perseverance and purpose to reflect Christ to those around us and the world at large.  We aren't entitled... yet we are amazingly blessed and given a Promise far greater than this world.

***

If you are interested in a Psalm 119 study guide, scroll down to the end of this article to see how you can get a FREE copy!  Though I have poured over the beautiful words of this Psalm many times before, I am still finding new and wonderful messages to grow my Walk with Christ.

***

Blessings,

Post Note: I wrote this article on October 7, 2018.  It is being published on Wednesday, October 10, 2018, my 20th Wedding Anniversary!  My husband and I were not saved when we got married and I had been divorced with a 3 year old when we first met.  Even in my secular days, I knew I didn't want to jump marriages, it hurt too much.  Then, becoming a Christian early in our marriage, I learned how much God hates divorce.  I repented and renewed and, for the 10 years I waited for my husband to know Christ the way I did, I was committed to make it work because God made salvation work for me.  It is this journey which keeps me plugging forward and keeps me devoted and inspires me to encourage other woman... no matter how difficult the road is, Hope always finds a way♥️

You can click here to see some of the great blogs I am linking up today ...

By the way.....

*Are you subscribed to my newsletter?  You might want to be.  Why?  Well, the newsletter contains bonus material you won't find on the website... not to mention, in those busy months when I can't get regular blog articles up, you can count on this periodical popping up in your email in-box each last Thursday with all new content!  What exactly does the newsletter contain?

• Encouraging articles on Faith, Home(making), and Homeschool
• Free printables under different themes each month
• Insider info on the latest goings-ons with all things on my blog and writing related

You won't find all this great bonus material on the blog so be sure to sign up so you don't miss out!  It's Ok, hop over real quick, right there to your right, see it on my sidebar where it says, "Subscribe to my Newsletter" with a  picture of the "Faith and Home Times" logo above it?  Ok, now enter your email in the box labeled "email address" then click "Subscribe"....(don't worry, it doesn't hurt and I promise not to spam you!). You should receive a confirmation email from me.  

Also, with your new subscription, you will be entered into my latest drawing AND I will send you October's newsletter which includes a FREE printable Bible Study and bonus PDF!  

Love and Mariage and 5 Excuses to Call it Quits: debunked

It's Valentine's Day and love-themed things are in the air.... but my article isn't about your typical love themes for the month of February.  Nah, I thought I would go against the grain and talk about the unlovely ideas.  Especially ones pertaining to marriage and those big misconceptions out there. The ones which often lead to strained marriages and, ultimately (too often) to divorce.

You know, the unlovely ideas like "I'm just not in love with my husband anymore/the spark is gone"  or "You don't understand what a pain he can be, it is so hard to love him, besides, he never does anything for me... even when I bend over backwards for him...." or "He has changed since we got married/he's not the man I married." or, the hardest one, "I never really loved him to begin with" implying the marriage thing was a sort of 'why not' knee-jerk reaction.... which can also spark "We weren't Christians when we got married...." and either the Christian version of the marriage is different and dis-satisfying or one spouse is saved while the other isn't... and somehow this justifies parting ways.

Ladies, my life is a testimony to every.single.one of these statements.  My e-book, Testimonies, the Power of Prayer isn't currently posted because I pulled it down for editing adjustments but when I re-post, trust me, there isn't an excuse anyone can yield I haven't already lived through at some level. And while my husband is a Christian now... it doesn't mean this marriage thing is always a cake walk. So let's break these down...

#1 -  "I'm just not in love with my husband anymore/the 'spark' is gone"

This statement drives me crazy.  They all do, actually, but I think this one does the most.  First of all, you can re-spark if your heart is rightly focused (read on to see what I mean)  Secondly, this idea completely escapes the purpose and power of marriage as God designed it and turns it into a self-serving vehicle which is suppose to propel one through life.  It implies that our spouse's value in love status hinges on emotion rather then devotion.  My personal favorite quote from the Bible on this:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?  

- Jeremiah 17:9

Our feelings are fickle.  We may go through a day... or even a week... or even a few years of not feeling in love with someone.  But if God didn't stop the marriage before you walked down the isle (even if you were secular, and I will address that in a minute) then he has you together for a reason.

I could write for hours on this one but the other points will add to it and, can I just say, put your feelings in your feelings wagon and pull it along as long as it takes... trust me... if you serve your husband as if you were serving the Lord and doing it with a love-because-Jesus-does kind of love... you won't regret it.  Which leads to the next point...

#2 -  "You don't understand what a pain he can be, it is so hard to love him, besides, he never does anything for me... even when I bend over backwards for him...."

I do, actually, and so does Jesus, His self-sacrifice embodies this. I prayed for my husband in his absolutely impossible attitude for 10 years (no exaggeration) and in that time God showed me my roll: to serve my husband for God's Glory: To bend over backwards day-in-and-day-out with absolutely no reward for years on end.  To this day, it is a big part of my husband's testimony: a wife who's attitude was so completely different towards him that he couldn't help but wonder what Power could love him even when he was unlovable.

Think about it like this ... what if Christ grew tiered of bending over backwards for us?  What if he yanked the whip out of the hands of his torturers, or punched and spit back at his accusers, or got down off the cross and said "You know, I don't think so, no one ever does anything for me except treat me like junk and use me...."  How DEEP was the love he showed when we (you and me) didn't deserve it?  How extraordinary is it that this very love is what exemplifies sacrifice and how we ought to be to one-another?

LOVE isn't gushy, mushy feel-good reciprocatory stuff.  No, Jesus tells us exactly what it is:

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

- John 15:12-13

You may say... Jesus said for his "friends"... don't use semantics, it is as simple as it sounds and whether you think of a spouse as a friend or otherwise... it is all the same.  As a matter of fact, your spouse should be your best friend and if he is not, you might want to start working there.

#3 - "He has changed since we got married/he's not the man I married." 

And so have you.  Whether or not you see it in yourself.  For good and bad.  Life is full of change, especially the personal kind, it is also part of what keeps relationships interesting... re-learning and understanding each other.  See above two points if this is a difficult concept.

#4 - "I never really loved him to begin with"

 I'm sorry to hear that.  But walking down the isle was your choice.  Whether or not you (or your spouse) were a Christian at the time or getting married for good reasons or bad.  You are married for a reason. God honors your union (again, He could have stopped you before you walked down the isle, but he didn't) now you need to honor God in your union. 

For centuries (and even in some countries to this day) betrothal was common place.  Many of these relationships did not start in love, but God often grew love there for those who let Him work.  Point #1 and #2 can be applied here as well.  Even if you weren't Christians to begin with... even if you are the only Christ follower in the relationship... God has you together for a reason, trust Him, trust His plan, I promise, it is a good one.

#5 - "We weren't Christians when we got married...." and either the Christian version of the marriage is different and dis-satisfying or one spouse is saved while the other isn't...

Neither were me and my husband.  I can't begin to tell you the spectrum of tough things he was doing and continued to do even after I re-dedicated my life to Christ.  I begged God to let me leave and this is what God showed me:

To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy....  For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? 

- 1 Corinthians 7:12-14,16

Did I mention God has a plan?  After 10 years of prayer, I really began to doubt that I was ever going to see my husband embrace salvation.  Then, one day, he did.  Not just a pue warmer kind of faith... no, a drop-down-all-in-no-turning-back kind of faith is what God rewarded us with.  He still has his quarks and areas in which he challenges my patience and my "love".  But, remember, love isn't an emotion, it is devotion.  Christ stayed devoted to me so, even on the hardest days, I stay devoted to my spouse ♥

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So why does everyone ignore all these facts and still grab after the Big "D".  Honestly... their eyes are not on God.  Nope.  Eyes, at that point, are on what a person wants for themselves and feels is best for self and thinking they know better then God on the matter. You see this in statements like, "I just want to be happy" or "I can't be happy with him" or "He just doesn't make me happy anymore".  But we aren't guaranteed "happiness" in this life under any situation, even marriage.

The other porblem... too many women compare their marriage or husband to others.  They see happier wives or more doteing husbands and the longing kicks in.  Whether these 'model' marriages have more going on under the surface then we see or not is irrelevant.  That is the other person's marriage... that is not where God has called us... it is where He has called them: what we choose to do with those God gives us and if/how we allow God to shine through us to others is much more important then the model life or what we think would be better vs. what God knows is in HIS plans for us.

What's more, remember, God HATES divorce and it goes against every GOOD plan he has for us.  Not to mention, divorce goes against the very character of the unity of the God-head.  God speaks His heart simply on the matter through Paul:

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. 

- 1 Corinthians 7:10-11

Most people considering divorce falsely assume they would be happier and more fulfilled with someone else.  A) according to God's Word, you are commanded NOT to remarry if you divorce, it is considered adultery if you do! and B) the grass really isn't greener.  I know, I've been there, before I rededicated my life to Christ.

Like my own story with my husband, God can use YOUR attitude and perseverance to draw your husband into relationship with Him.  It isn't always easy... but God never promised that it would be.  Are you willing to lay your life down for another... especially the one who you pledged to, 'till death do you part'?

There is hope in renewal of the love that can exist in the bond of marriage.  Your marriage is your ministry... first to your spouse and second to all who may need to know what devotion looks like.  I promise, a love like this will bring such depth to your marriage once you find it, you'll wish you had discovered it much sooner!

Blessings,

Linking up today with some of these...

A resource which helped me immensely as I learned how to pray for my husband and love him when he was unloveable was The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.  No matter where your marriage is, I HIGHLY recommend this read!