Invisible

 I have had a rough day.  It is a long story about ministry failures and heartaches and time invested with no return all ending with me just wanting to crawl into a corner by myself and be left alone. That feeling like I can do nothing.  Not the I can do nothing without Christ kind-of-nothing.  The, everything I touch just isn't working out right now kind of nothing... and yet in all these things I am seeking to follow Christ.


I know, if I say anything to my husband, he would be quick to misunderstand and sit me down and say that is because YOU aren't meant to do it... I would have to roll my eyes and nod and say... duhhh... I mean... I know.  (can you see why God has called me to Bloom in my marriage... I kinda need it, don't I?  lol)  But that isn't what I mean.  I AM A WOMAN, a mom, a wife, a servant of God.  I am not content with idleness and right now I feel like EVERY-SINGLE-ROUTE of exertion is being closed and not-so-politely.  And in this moment I feel bitter.  Yes... bitter.  I don't like that and I know I need to get a hold of that lest it eats me up.

If I had a car, I would drive to one of the nearby buttes and hike with the rest of my day.  Stay up there, watch the sun set, and contemplate... search.  But I don't.  So I hike the Web.  I search for the vista.  One that maybe I can wallow in self-pity on.  I don't know what else to do with my time.  My bubble is popped, my bitterness has infected and I can't even WRITE... why bother.

But that isn't where God takes me.  No, he takes me to this:

Suddenly I realize it:  I am invisible.

How many times have I been invisible.  It is NOT an unfamiliar concept or feeling or state.  But this time has been different.  In tear-streaked self-pity, I submit that I am searching for something I won't find in God's design.

I want what I do to be seen.

I want what I do to be right.

I want to see a cathedral built, beginning-to-end.  But I can't.

I, and all I do, am supposed to be invisible.  Investing my life and my work to Him and the cathedrals which take life times - plural - to build.  Until I have a peace with that... I will have peace with nothing else.

So this is me - in the raw.  Those un-based emotions which I believe all women share at one time or another.  The emotions that make us want to give up or walk away or lock ourselves in a room and hide.  Because the truth is: this path is not easy to walk.  My husband is usually right.  God does not want me to push just to do things the way I think they should be.

I need to except invisible service to an invisible God.

 I don't see Him, but, like the wind, I can see the leaves rustle, the trees move... I can feel it brush my face with fresh kisses... so our God moves through our lives  making known his presence here.  And if I am called to righteousness = seeking to be more like him... than I should be content with all movements, big and small, seen and unseen... no time or effort is wasted even when it seems to bear NOTHING.  I and all I do should be invisible...that HE might be seen that much better.

I am not looking to glorify myself...  that isn't what this is about.  But I think, often, I want to know that my work has value.  That the time I invest in a project or thing has value... even if I am not attached to that value... I just want to know IT has value.  But I can't always.    

I have to be OK with every point of everything I do being invisible.  Whether or not it is. 

My prayer today is for every mother, wife, teacher, worker, server... to feel SEEN BY GOD even when you feel invisible to the world.

Blessings,

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