I don't want to count blessings today. To be honest, all I see are what I don't have today and it bothers me. If you want to know the truth, I feel downright depressed about it. Then it occurs to me, as if God is whispering peace into my soul, this is exactly why you should count blessings at this very moment.
It started with a dream. A dream about grandpa and his jovial nature. Why can't we live with him? He would laugh at the kids' doings and sayings. He would invite us to take over his house and make it our own. Living with him would bring such peace in this time of preparation...
Then I woke up. Is there a way we could go? Pack up and head out...
Memories sunk into me like water into dried land. Memories of a hospital room and a grandpa who was far away. A casket and a man who didn't look like grandpa anymore. Why? Why did he have to die? Why does my heart hurt so much? I understood then. He wanted to go. He was done living. I let him go. Yet now, 4 years later, it suddenly hurts so bad my heart could split.
I had planned to get up and write and say memorial day gratitudes...
... like a flag that represents freedom, my country men died for me (81)
... the tears that jump to my throat when I consider the context in writing "Star Spangled Banner" and the hope that gave birth to a nation (82)
My mind scrambled, I need a picture of grandpa so handsome in his Air Force uniform in World War 2. He looked like a movie star, a young Clark Gable. But the pictures are all packed, lost to the dark corners of storage. Be thankful I think to myself that you have the pictures and the stories he told. And I am. (83)
I thought of my dad for this memorial day and how grateful I am to know his stories. He still shows the scars, both mental and physical, but he shares his story with Zach for a school project and his willingness to talk and share and build that relationship. (84)
I think of how grateful I am for him, with my mom gone. He is, after all, my step-dad. But there is no stepping... he is dad and I love and appreciate him for that (85)
Hubby and I drive to fetch needful things and I bare my heart. Missing grandpa and peace and even a garden as the sun shows more and others plant theirs. After 19 years, this is the first time I will not have a garden of some kind...
... I am thankful to have the memories (and even some pictures!) of gardens past though. (86)
As we drive and I talk my heart grows somewhat lighter. I am thankful for his patient listening (87)
We got home to jumping children begging for the park. So I put my walking feet on and we go. I breathed in deep of blossoms and sun and fresh pond air and realized how thankful I am to breathe (88) and see such sweet signs of spring in full bloom! (89)
How can a soul not come back to life with such beauty all around?
I watched the geese swim with fluffy soft babies between (89)
I watched my children ride, thankful for the lovely pond path and a beautiful day in a forecast of gray (90, 91)...
... and I look at my sweet Brenden as he walks on because his tender heart offered his sister his bike to borrow when hers suffered a flat! (92)
Suddenly so many blessings pour into my mind that my heart grows warm. (93) It still aches for grandpa and gardens and homes of my own, for assurance and provision and hope that isn't so hard to see. But there is a certain peace now that all of God's grace is there for me and wounds and aches always heal with time. I am truly thankful for that as well! (94)
On our way home we pass the busy cemetery. I am reminded of mom and of grandpa almost 2000 miles away. Is someone visiting their graves today? I hope so. I am thankful for the time I had with them both (95) for the ways they improved my life with love and laughter. I am thankful that the hurt can pass and this memorial day I can remember how everything always turns out O.K.
May God bless you to remember all the things He brings you through and all the ways life can turn out O.K.
It started with a dream. A dream about grandpa and his jovial nature. Why can't we live with him? He would laugh at the kids' doings and sayings. He would invite us to take over his house and make it our own. Living with him would bring such peace in this time of preparation...
Then I woke up. Is there a way we could go? Pack up and head out...
Memories sunk into me like water into dried land. Memories of a hospital room and a grandpa who was far away. A casket and a man who didn't look like grandpa anymore. Why? Why did he have to die? Why does my heart hurt so much? I understood then. He wanted to go. He was done living. I let him go. Yet now, 4 years later, it suddenly hurts so bad my heart could split.
I had planned to get up and write and say memorial day gratitudes...
... the tears that jump to my throat when I consider the context in writing "Star Spangled Banner" and the hope that gave birth to a nation (82)
My mind scrambled, I need a picture of grandpa so handsome in his Air Force uniform in World War 2. He looked like a movie star, a young Clark Gable. But the pictures are all packed, lost to the dark corners of storage. Be thankful I think to myself that you have the pictures and the stories he told. And I am. (83)
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| See his laughing eyes? Me and grandpa, I was in high school. |
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| Grandpa and a 3 year old Zach! Exactly 14 years ago. They had so much fun! |
I thought of my dad for this memorial day and how grateful I am to know his stories. He still shows the scars, both mental and physical, but he shares his story with Zach for a school project and his willingness to talk and share and build that relationship. (84)
By the way, the video is 8 minutes long and my son has a very bland narrating voice! You can skip through if you want to see pictures of my dad though :-)
I think of how grateful I am for him, with my mom gone. He is, after all, my step-dad. But there is no stepping... he is dad and I love and appreciate him for that (85)
Hubby and I drive to fetch needful things and I bare my heart. Missing grandpa and peace and even a garden as the sun shows more and others plant theirs. After 19 years, this is the first time I will not have a garden of some kind...
As we drive and I talk my heart grows somewhat lighter. I am thankful for his patient listening (87)
We got home to jumping children begging for the park. So I put my walking feet on and we go. I breathed in deep of blossoms and sun and fresh pond air and realized how thankful I am to breathe (88) and see such sweet signs of spring in full bloom! (89)
I watched the geese swim with fluffy soft babies between (89)
Suddenly so many blessings pour into my mind that my heart grows warm. (93) It still aches for grandpa and gardens and homes of my own, for assurance and provision and hope that isn't so hard to see. But there is a certain peace now that all of God's grace is there for me and wounds and aches always heal with time. I am truly thankful for that as well! (94)
May God bless you to remember all the things He brings you through and all the ways life can turn out O.K.
that was really beautifully written. sometimes i get dizzy from the full circling that i do in my daily heart transformations! you described that so well.
ReplyDeletehave a blessed week!
steph
Thank you, it was very healing too :-) Blessings to you!
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